tonight i go to bed a kansan. tomorrow night i will sleep as a missourian for the first time ever. when i took the job at watkins mill, we planned to move to missouri to give me a shorter drive. the trick, though, was to cut down on my drive time without extending rene’s beyond reason. that proved to be quite a chore.

as we explored options in north kansas city, liberty, and lee’s summit (all of which potentially put us in a location for equal/reasonable drive time), something clicked one day. why not live downtown? once that realization set in, everything else snapped into a perspective not clear before. both of us discovered something startling. we were bored. specifically, suburban life with its soul-flattening monotony.

if you’re a committed suburbanite, my apologies in advance, but after 12 years (even longer for rene) walking among the…

same people
driving the same unnecessarily huge cars
working the same high performing jobs
living in the same beige mcmansions
with the same golf-course manicured lawns
eating the same blandly familiar meals
drinking the same venti-with-foam drinks
having the same conversations
and dare i say it? putting on the same church services
day after day, week after week, season by sacrosanct kids’ sports season, year after year

…something had to change or i felt i would burst. to be clear, not everybody in johnson county, and certainly very few in our church, did we find boring. it was the overall impact of such predictability that pushed me to the breaking point.

the appeal of moving downtown was manifold. first, we will live in a 4th floor loft in the river market area (just south of the missouri river), within walking distance of the popular city market shops. it can’t get much cooler than that. my driving to and from work will be reduced by about 20 miles each way (that’s 2-3 tanks of gas a month!). there is much with a mile or so, and i intend to try to walk as much as possible. that will rack up health benefits! groovy little shops and restaurants (from the dive to the swank) abound.

besides sheer lifestyle appeal, there is something profoundly deeper for me. i absolutely believe God has called us to live an intentional life in kansas city’s revitalized downtown. after all, the song says “You’re the God of this city,” not the God of the suburb! And come on, where does Scripture tell us to “seek the welfare of” the subdivision? i find it uniquely aligned with the activity of God throughout redemptive history. the Ancient of Days nevertheless continually is “doing a new thing.” our building, the old townley hardware company building, has a story, a history. parts of it were built in the late 1800s, yet it is repurposed to become fresh, new, and exciting in a way the builders never dreamed.

as we stand poised on the cusp of an entirely new and uncharted space in our lives, we are gladly trading pristine but hastily constructed apartments for the revitalized historicity of a loft. we trade the buzzing fitness megatemple that is lifetime fitness for the quaint and slightly run down cluster of machines at the ymca. we trade barely knowing our neighbors by sight, much less names or stories, for what has been described as the feel of a main street at the outskirts of an increasingly population-dense but relatively low-crime urban center.

how long will we stay? i have no idea. one thing seems sure – this isn’t a great setting to raise young children, although there is green space and even parks not too far away. but i’m really excited for what lies ahead. in a very real way, i feel i’m returning to my childhood. growing up in columbus, ohio, i could walk to so much that was interesting and rarely boring. to this day, my grandparents are regulars at high street’s one-of-a-kind eateries. the suburbs (or even – gasp – small town life) may lure us back someday, but for now we are anticipating the adventure of our lives.

big city adventure can be found at this is not about me

leaning into the challenge.

today marks the end of my first 6 months on my new job. there were multiple times during the first couple of months when i had serious doubts i would make it, but around the first part of october, something clicked. i think a big part of it was working shifts or parts of shifts on the other teams in the facility. i recently realized i know the name of every kid in the facility. that gave me a great deal of “buy-in” – there is a lot more to the job than wading through an avalanche of glitter (the girls use it on their program work presentations a lot, to say the least).

i’m not saying i think i’ll stay in this position until i retire. this is considered an entry level job, but the opportunities from there are much wider. i officially have three more months until i’m eligible to move from probationary status to regular status. after that i can apply for transfer within the agency, or if for whatever reason i leave the agency and later come back, there are several pre-employment hoops i wouldn’t have to jump through all over again.

that said, i’m not actively looking elsewhere at this time. if i come across something that seems like a really good fit, i’ll look into it, but i’m starting to get kinda good at what i’m doing. it can be stressful, sometimes extremely so. the hours often suck, and there is no cancellation for inclement weather. as a residential facility with 24/7/365 supervision, we have to be at work no matter what. but in those moments when you realize the kids really are making significant changes in their lives, somehow it seems worth it. goodness knows, none of us are doing it for the lucrative paycheck or the extravagant benefits package.

but that’s not all the news i have to share today.

north is the new south. go east, young man. missouri loves company.

driving from lenexa to the north side of nowhere (ok, maybe just north of excelsior springs) and back again every day is not such a fun drive after a while. because of this, we are looking to move into missouri in the next couple months. it wasn’t worth the financial penalty of breaking our lease early, but we are now looking at places to the north (liberty, north kc, maybe gladstone) and east (lee’s summit, independence). the trick will be to find someplace that’s not a super long drive for rene to get to work. there’s also a bit of a gamble in that if i do transfer, the drive for me may be way longer or way shorter depending on where we live and where i end up working. in any case, the likelihood is that for the first time since 1979, the year 2011 will find me with a home address outside of kansas.

a long overdue break.

here’s the news that has taken people by surprise. after nearly 20 years as a volunteer youth leader (those 2 months of a very part-time paid youth intern don’t count), and 15 years for rene, we are taking a break from weekly youth ministry involvement. there are several reasons for this.

first, we do really need some rest. there are so many weeks when we literally have not one evening at home, alone together. not a great plan in the long run.

second, there have been times in the last several months when one or both of us have questioned whether we’re starting to lose our ability to connect with kids like we once could. i don’t know if that’s necessarily true, although we are certainly no longer the spring chickens we used to be. but when you’re in the trenches for too long without coming up to see the horizon, funny things can happen to your perspective.

the last reason i’ll share here is that we are looking at some churches in missouri that may be a better fit for us, not only for where we are personally but also geographically. when and if we do decide to step back into youth ministry – and we are trying not to rush that decision – we’d like to be close enough to the kids’ homes and schools that getting together with them, going to ball games and plays, etc. isn’t an all-day affair with long drive times.

we will miss so much about christ community. it’s been the church where rene and i met and got married, and where each of us have attended and served the longest of any in our lives. we have been tremendously blessed by doing life with such a caring, integral, and deep body of believers. it’s been an exhausting week as we’ve made announcements and said goodbyes. we certainly don’t want to just “drop” anyone, so keep in touch through whatever means, and we’ll try to do the same.

be looking in the next few weeks for a multi-post series in which i reflect on 20 years of youth ministry. pulling my thoughts together for this has been bittersweet.

checking in, pushing pause, turning the page can be found at this is not about me

i woke up today a multi-millionaire. let’s do lunch… in paris. that’s a total lie. i did not even buy a ticket for the $350 million jackpot, and will not at this time be receiving the $16 million/year annuity. but, as many have and will (especially when the jackpots grow this large), i can dream. below are the lists i made while i started my shift this morning, plus a few items gleaned from watching the news and talking to some very wise fellow non-winners.

if i won the lottery, i would:

• pay off our debts. gone with a quick succession of checks, as soon as the first payment hit our account.
• fix up and give away our current cars, and replace them with newer but still used ones. dave ramsey would actually be okay with us buying new ones, given our million-dollar-plus net worth, but that’s assuming i can convince him i had a good reason to get the lottery ticket to begin with. still, i just can’t think i’d get a fancy new car right away.
• tithe. i’m a bit ashamed to say that this was literally the third item. why wasn’t it first?
• pay our parents’ mortgages and other debts. we can talk later about housing upgrades, k?
• buy some gadgets. totally getting a brand new mac pro, tricked out for video editing. and an ipad, just because i want one.

i would not (at least right now):

• quit my job. i would certainly want to take a look at how i was using my time, since a huge estate like that take some effort to manage. but if i just walk away because i don’t “have” to work anymore, i would be invalidating an enormous part of who i am.
• buy a house. one, that’s really not something i want to rush into. plus, given the opportunity, i think it would be really cool to build according to our wishes.
• buy a fancy new car. (see above.)
• throw lavish parties. nothing to rival the opening of 90% of csi: miami episodes for us. besides, that kind of party attracts everybody except your actual friends.
• buy ridiculously expensive clothes, jewelry, etc. i may hire clinton and stacy to give us a “what not to wear” makeover, but we’re shopping at kohls! rene has never been one for bling. i might get something for myself, though…

down the road, i would:

• build a house. (see above.) thinking about this one surprised me a little. before i moved to johnson county, i think i would actually have built way bigger. but being around a gazillion mcmansion-dwellers for more than a decade now, my dreams gravitated toward the joco standard.
• allow rene to stay home with the kids. what kids, you ask? we’ll get back to you on that when there’s something to report.
• build a “career” out of stewarding resources, giving our time and creativity away. i get really excited thinking about this one. more about that in a minute.
• travel. a lot. it is entirely possible in our world to have a “location-independent” career, but here i’m talking about travel for travel’s sake. there are hundreds of spots i’d like to explore together with my bride.
• give like no one else. i really don’t want to be like the stereotypical lottery winner, spending lavishly and going broke in a few years, broken lives and addictions lying in my wake. there are some ministries and individuals i would love to bless in a significant way.

good advice i might not have thought of otherwise:

• wait a month to do anything. some things are no-brainers, as outlined above. but a lot of the more major moves require a lot more prayer and patience to do right.
• hire a financial planner and a lawyer a.s.a.p. that one needs no explanation, i just didn’t think of it on my own.
• change to an unlisted phone number. no telling how many odd relatives might show up anyway.
• sign all my own checks. not that i watch oprah, but apparently she tells her audience that, just in case they hit it big. like her. since the likelihood is so high the rest of us will. but yeah, i don’t want to be too trusting. that weakness of mine could have a lot zeroes behind it in that kind of situation.

there you have it. the good, the bad, the ugly. it was an interesting exercise, and i think it reveals a lot about who we are. why not play along? what would you do with your millions in winnings? leave a comment below and tell me about it.

one other thing, though. while winning a huge jackpot (or even a more modest one) would make many of these dreams an instant reality, who says we can’t work toward every one of them anyway? why can’t i create a career completely based on my passions? why can’t we give to the things and people that we care about? why can’t we achieve every one of them?

well, it may take a whole lot longer, but if it’s worth the time to dream about it, it’s worth working in the real world to achieve them. i’ll wave to you from the winners’ circle.

with my lottery winnings… can be found at this is not about me

for the first time since i moved to kansas in 1979, i did not wake up today (Christmas morning) at my parents’ house. it’s quite possible i have experienced selective amnesia on this, but i’m pretty sure it’s true. actually, i didn’t mind working on Christmas this year. my sister is in – get this – austria. her boyfriend’s parents live there. and rene’s parents have been in south korea with her cousin and family for the holiday. talk about worldly!

i spent a good chunk of Christmas eve napping in order to stay up for my shift, midnight last night to 8 this morning. we went to the candlelight service at church. and that is where my traditional patterns ceased. i did not watch any of the movies one associates with Christmas (it’s a wonderful life, a Christmas story, miracle on 34th street, elf, white Christmas, holiday inn, etc.). oh wait, that’s because i already had earlier in the month. gotta love netflix! i did not put out any presents, but that’s because my supervisor was there to set out the kids’ gifts. it was pretty cool knowing that my (well, actually our – rene helped) efforts to raise extra funds by selling otis spunkmeier cookie dough had paid off. not only that, one of our friends bought cookies but asked me to bake them for all the kids at the facility. talk about a sweet treat for Christmas morning.

on the drive home, i called each of my grandparents. a small gesture, but before it’s always been them calling my parents’ house and me taking a turn on the phone. when i got home, we opened no presents, other than stockings full of candy. (we’re not doing Christmas with my family until january.) rene and i watched a movie on our new tv, then i settled in for a nice, long winter’s nap.

not the picture-perfect holiday. or was it? three things came to mind over the past 24 hours, with sleep and meal times completely scrambled.

1. there is something beautiful about having a gap between the celebration of Christ’s birth and the ritual of giving gifts to one another. the old saying rings especially true – at what other birthday party but one for Jesus would we give the gifts to the guests? not being caught up in the hustle and bustle of last-minute mall shopping allowed us to enjoy a relaxed time of reflecting on the true significance of Emmanuel, God with us, entering our world to bring peace on earth. it’s really not about the gifts. talking to and spending time with my family (as many as were in the country) was enough.
2. i have gained a whole new appreciation for those who sacrifice family time to serve our cities and country. i’m thinking of first responders, emergency room personnel, the military, and anyone who is “on call” even on holidays. sure, all i did was sit and make sure the girls were safe as they slept, just like i’ve done all this month. but doing it on a holiday imbued it with a dignity i hadn’t realized before.
3. there are many, including most of the kids at watkins mill, for whom Christmas and birthdays are not an occasion for excess. some have even said that shopping at wal-mart for clothes is bit of a luxury. but these youth see that the community, including several area churches, has not given up on them. in fact, several kids have said that this Christmas, or a birthday spent in the facility, has actually been one of their best. not because they’re locked up, duh. simply because people showed they care and they were celebrated in an environment of calm and safety.

may each of us remember that, no matter the season, it is not the giving or receiving of stuff that brings us hope. it is the fact that the Giver has bestowed the greatest Gift we could ever need.

my grown-up Christmas can be found at this is not about me

**notice**

by accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. this greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. it is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. it implies no wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. this wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. this greeting constitutes the entire wish and should any part or parts of this greeting be held invalid, all remaining parts shall continue to have the full affect allowable under generally accepted wishing practices.

merry holidays can be found at this is not about me

“make the most of every opportunity.” paul’s advice is unbelievably relevant to a volunteer youth leader.

for most of my “career” as a volunteer, i’ve had the luxury of a really flexible schedule. this school year, though, i’m finding what it’s like to have a full time work schedule and not be able to do every single event i’d like to do with the  youth group. i can’t imagine how anybody with young kids can volunteer effectively. in fact, several i know have taken a break while their kids were young, some to return later, some to move on entirely.

while i do miss being able to show up to everything, it’s made me more aware of how i use the limited time i have. while any opportunity to spend time inside kids’ world outside church walls is important, when you can catch more than one at a time, your time investment multiplies.

last week rene and i went to the cyt (Christian youth theater) production of “aladdin jr.” we love going anyway, and have actually gone to a couple we didn’t even know anybody in. but whenever we go, it seems like there are 8 or 10 kids from youth group performing. the funny thing is we often have multiple kids or parents thank us for coming to see them. they all assume we’re there to see their kid. (shhh. don’t tell, k?) the same effect comes into play if there are a couple kids on the same sports team. once i actually had like 6 of my boys playing, 2 on one team and 4 on the other. hard to decide who to cheer for, but they all loved that i was there.

as a volunteer, or even as a paid youth worker, make every effort to spend time in kids’ lives outside of church activities. go to games, go to concerts and plays, and arrange to bring in lunch. it is worth way more than your time and money. and if you can find more than one at a time, the leverage pays off.

leverage as a volunteer can be found at this is not about me

let’s be honest. halloween is about my least favorite “major” holiday. (assuming you don’t count ones that nobody really cares about except for the sale at nebraska furniture mart, or the ones created by hallmark.) for the past week, the halls and even the dorm the kids sleep in have been littered with ghosts, jack-o-lanterns, severed fingers, and fake blood. meanwhile, i have officially started listening to Christmas music. so there.

no, i guess i’m just not really “into” halloween. perhaps it’s because we don’t have kids of our own yet, nor do we ever get trick-or-treaters at the apartment. maybe it’s because i was dressed as a little devil one year, or perhaps i bear trauma from having my mom threaten to cancel my halloween that one year i obsessed about making a tron costume. all through june and july. and even then i never did end up making the stupid thing.

i’ve been thinking lately, though. i may not go nuts over the whole ordeal, and i’m not sure why i’m in such a hurry for Christmas. (actually i’ve decided that i pretty much want the opposite of narnia under the white witch – always Christmas and never come winter.) i’m not the only one questioning this halloween season why Christians are so paranoid about it all. see the reference links below, but here are a few thoughts of my own.

• all does not have to be happy, bright, and spot-free. our fallen world is messy. we are children of the light and we are called to walk in the light, but neither do we to fear the darkness. wisely did the psalmist say: “I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you” (Psalm 139:7-12).
• the enemy has been defeated. halloween was meant as a mockery of satan and his defeated horde. see the article concerning halloween for an excellent exegesis of this point.
• halloween has distinctly Christian roots. true, they have been lumped together with pagan and secular traditions. so has Christmas, and Easter.
• kids dressing up in costumes is not satanic or occultic. get over it. the “trunk or treat” thing is a great, safe alternative (not to mention a beautiful way to reach out to the community surrounding a church), but you don’t have to ban all costumes or insist that everyone dress like a Bible character. come on, most of them dressed the same anyway. robe, sash, turban thingy. boring!

keep the light on. have tons of candy ready. dress up yourself, and definitely bear the flashlight while your own kids have fun. i plan for halloween to be part of our family tradition someday.

required reading:

• concerning halloween by james b. jordan at internetmonk.com
• the great pumpkin proposes a toast by the internet monk himself, the late michael spencer
• can a Christian celebrate halloween? by tim stevens on leadingsmart.com
• 3 reasons to embrace halloween by everybody’s favorite tech guru at y.s., adam mcclane

halloween isn’t so bad after all. i guess. can be found at this is not about me

i am wearing purple tomorrow, october 20. k-state is not playing that i’m aware of. i am wearing purple because, as a follower of Jesus, i want to see an end to bullying of all kinds, but in particular that is directed at young people because of their sexuality, perceived or otherwise. specifically, 6 gay young men have recently taken their lives because of homophobic bullying, but the “spirit day” event is intended to show solidarity with all lgbt youth.

to be clear, i am neither pro-gay nor anti-gay. (i will only say that Scripture makes statements against same-gender sexual expression that have been used to inflict a lot of pain on hurting families.) rather, i am anti-bullying. and while bullying affects both boys and girls of all sorts, there is something particularly heartbreaking about bullying that targets boys who are gay, or who do not fit the stereotypical masculine image. as someone who has devoted over half my life serving students, i believe we must step up our awareness and join the effort to end this.

here’s a scenario: a young man walks into a church youth group meeting with a friend. he has questions about his sexuality, and is considering coming out as gay. he isn’t sure what he believes about God or faith, but he is open and looking for satisfying answers. as he enters the youth room, he is introduced to the youth pastor and several friends of the person who invited him. as the kids mingle, he happens to overhear some boys his age talking about their school day. one says another, “mrs. smith wouldn’t let me make up my homework because she said i cheated – how gay is that?” the young man listens throughout the rest of the evening, but declines further invitations to church.

this situation is fictional, but it could have happened in my own youth group, or in hundreds around the country. the church must be a place where students of all types are welcomed, loved, and feel free to ask and engage. and for heaven’s sake, stop letting your students use the word “gay” as an all-purpose insult.

(very interesting discussion over at beliefnet on this event.)

wear purple can be found at this is not about me

the burden of being the only driver in kansas and missouri to understand how to use traffic circles correctly has finally become too much for me to bear. please allow me to enlighten the uninformed majority.

1. in all traffic circles, enter to the right and proceed in a counterclockwise direction.
2. for a 2-lane traffic circle (or “roundabout”), you may turn left from the left lane, or right from the right lane. do not turn left from the “outside” lane.
3. you may proceed straight from either lane.
4. for a single-lane circle, you may turn right, proceed straight, or continue around to turn left.
5. here’s where it gets confusing, so pay close attention: there are no stop signs anywhere at a traffic circle. yield (see the “yield” signs?) to traffic already in the circle, but if no other cars are coming, you may enter without stopping.
6. under no circumstances should you stop and use your turn signal, then wait for all traffic in other directions to abate.
7. do not drive to the left/clockwise (see #1).

study carefully. there will be tests.

how to use a traffic circle can be found at this is not about me

big italy pepperoni from pizza hut, breadsticks, and a 2-liter of mountain dew = $17.11 with spouse-of-employee discount

12 sundae cups from target = $4.34

noon to 1:30 to drive from point a to b to c = 90 minutes

making ben’s day on the one-year anniversary of his dad’s passing, and the day before his birthday (not to mention accolades from a table full of 7th graders) = priceless

(did i mention his dad’s favorite food was pizza and ice cream?)

no cost at all can be found at this is not about me

amidst the culture shock of new faces, new roles, and new terminology, i’m also learning (or re-learning from my days long ago working in a group home) some new phrases from what i guess you could call hip hop culture. examples: “acting a fool” which means pretty much what it sounds like, and “posting,” slang for going #2. never heard that one before! another one, used frequently by my supervisor jameela, is “let’s just keep it one hundred,” followed by words that are tough to hear but certainly needed. i’ve been thinking of my own little collection of topics. some of what i have to say may not be comfortable, but let’s keep it one hundred and say what needs to be said.

youth group games should not be competitive.

…at least not in the traditional ways that favor the athletic, coordinated, or smart. it’s frustrating  to a kid who’s smaller or less savvy when the ones who get attention everywhere else continue to dominate at youth group. it takes a bit more effort to keep things fresh and noncompetitive, but it’s absolutely worth it and necessary. if there’s a “secret” to the game, you should not play it again until the current group has moved through.

let’s keep it one hundred. why do we play games in the first place? to kill/fill time? to burn off energy so they’ll pay better attention? to rile them up so they can’t? (we’ve ratcheted down our games quite a bit for exactly that reason.) or is there perhaps a higher road to travel, on which games are planned carefully and with purpose, keeping in high regard the needs of all individuals as well as the integrity and wholeness of your entire group.

in matthew 16:18, Jesus did not ordain the Christian school. or the church youth group.

it sometimes frustrates me when kids that attend our church, and also attend a Christian school, are often way more involved in their school’s activities – even on wednesday nights – than in our church’s youth program. i think to myself, these kids already spend all day together. why do they need to do youth group at their school too?

what concerns me is when anything but the local church as an entity, not its segmented ministries, is given too much priority. does that mean that you need to send a kid to his own church youth group instead of whatever is offered at the Christian school? sometimes, yes. but it also may mean that you spend a wednesday night together as a family sometimes, instead of yet another night when everyone is shuttled off to their silos. just keeping it one hundred.

middle school boys stink. make them shower.

it’s become part of my orientation ritual at camps and retreats. i tell the boys they need to shower. every day. and put on deodorant. period.

a shower is defined as removing one’s clothes (yes, all of them), running warm water all over your body, and using soap in the folds and crevices of you body where you stink.

we are fortunate in our accommodations at youthfront camp (for summer camp as well as fall retreat) to have private camper showers. we also tend to stay in hotel rooms on our winter retreat. until this summer, though, showers on the summer mission trip were held most often at a college or high school locker room near the church where we would stay. group showers for 7th and 8th grade students haven’t been required at school for quite some time at school, so we tell our kids to bring a swimsuit for privacy if they wish.

tangent time. when i was in middle school, we took showers as a group, butt naked. every day. we may not have liked it, but we complied. i even recall once a coach made a kid who was misbehaving do pushups before being able to leave the shower area. that was probably crossing lines even in the 80s, but nobody thought anything of it then. the point is, in the last 20-30 years, required school showers have virtually disappeared from the middle school and even high school experience, except for some sports teams here and there. the rare cases where showers are regularly taken are often done wearing compression shorts, or if the boys actually disrobe completely, they will also likely do the bizarre quick-change known as the “towel dance.” i would even say it’s likely that the disappearance of required showers at school has contributed in some degree to the epidemic of childhood obesity.

follow the logic: students are no longer required to shower, so they don’t. they simply change back into their school clothes, perhaps with a splash of water to their hair and definitely caking on more deodorant. but then their teachers start to complain because they smell. what do p.e. teachers do? certainly not go back to requiring showers! that opens the door to allegations, lawsuits, not to mention the added cost (formerly an accepted line item) of laundering towels for the kids. no, instead they simply make p.e. less strenuous. if they don’t sweat as much, they don’t stink as much.

but let’s keep it one hundred. they still stink. and in the process, many kids no longer get even a modicum of physical activity sufficient to keep them healthy.

bottom line: kids, especially boys, need to practice good hygiene. allowances will be made for times being what they are. (another tangent for another day – since when since nudity in the presence of others of the same gender become so creepy?) but to let a kid go all weekend, or all week or month at camp, without requiring they take a full-body shower is nothing short of neglect. ew. just ew.

keeping it one hundred can be found at this is not about me

recruiting new volunteers is one of the last things you should focus on. God will bring you who you need if you keep your eyes and ears open. the trick is keeping quality leaders around long enough to make an impact. between my wife and myself, we have over 30 years of experience as volunteer youth leaders, and we have no plans to slow down. one of the keys to our longevity is the extraordinary care we’ve received throughout our “volunteer careers” from the paid-to-be-gooders (i.e. full time staff/pastors). as we thought through the things that have nourished us the most as volunteers over the years, we saw three clear categories emerge. if you will consider these as you lead your team, we think you will see some amazing things happen in your ministry.

care for us

• know us. pay attention to what makes us thrive and what drives us crazy (and be ready to step in before that happens). we love it when you give us our favorite candy or soda, or a gift card to our favorite restaurant.

read the full article at student life, or download the pdf

my first cover article! i actually wrote this early in the summer, but formatting this slick-looking resource takes awhile. the deadline was way ahead of its publication date. this article is directed toward full-timers leading a team of volunteer leaders, from the perspective of a long-time volunteer. i got a “thank-you” gift basket from student life the very day i was wrestling with whether to take the position in missouri. it came as a timely affirmation that no matter the direction my career was about to take, i also had a valuable voice to add to the larger conversation of youth ministry.

head over and read the article (you might need to zoom in with the reader…), and let me know what you think. what makes you as a volunteer (or your volunteers, if you’re a paid leader) feel valued?

built to last (published in student life’s youth minister newsletter) can be found at this is not about me

from the sandbox to the construction site, being male is often associated with a natural spirit of trouble-making. you don’t have to be on john eldridge’s mailing list to recognize that there is an untamed energy that is uniquely masculine. middle school boys at church camp are no exception. after 19 years of volunteering, i’ve got plenty of stories to tell. but I’ve come to the point where I’ve said “enough is enough” when it comes to pranks and roughhousing.

early on, i tended to participate in or even instigate much of the pranking. one summer, i had a camper who kept leaving his dirty boxers all over the place. when he was out during free time, i led the charge to hide and/or display all of the errant unmentionables in strategic out-of-reach locations throughout the cabin. he actually thought it was pretty funny.

i organized “smackdown” wrestling for years, but those days are officially behind me. the downstairs common room in our cabins has a support post in the middle and a bank of metal lockers, so all 16 boys would strip their mattresses and feed them down the spiral staircase to provide plenty of padding. they would pair up with an opponent of similar size/weight and have 60 seconds to wail on each other (close to the mat – no aerial moves), accompanied by blaring heavy metal. did i get the message when i had the kid puke following his match? or when the boy almost dislocated his elbow? nope.

read the rest at youthspecialties.com.

back at it! to hit the deadline i actually wrote this long before we went to camp, but it helped me solidify my commitment to a no-prank, no-excessive-roughhousing policy that paid huge dividends. i’ve got another article in the works on the “boy code,” so be watching for more, but for now, head over to y.s. site and read my latest published writing. comments welcome!

boys will be boys (published at youthspecialties.com) can be found at this is not about me

“safety and structure are the foundation of treatment.”

it’s first on the list of d.y.s. beliefs and philosophies. each of them appear on the wall of every classroom and dorm in every facility. all the staff and kids know them implicitly. if you take even a cursory look at the statement, you have to agree it’s true.

the kids we work with often have stories of pain and fear to tell. “home” and “family” carry much different connotations for many of them. their neighborhood streets may not be strangers to the sound of gunfire. many bear physical and emotional scars from abuse, neglect, victimization, and trauma.

without safety, and the structure that engenders safety, the entire enterprise crumbles.

in the two weeks i’ve worked, doing little more than shadowing experienced staff and observing the process in action, i have already been deeply impacted by the girls’ willingness to disclose their own struggles and to help each other heal. there are obstacles to overcome, and it’s a process, not an event. but one thing stands out among several of them who are nearing their release.

they’re scared to leave.

the very safety and structure that have helped them make so much progress within the program are going to be hard to come by “on the outs.” (for the slang-challenged, that means “outside of detention.”) if kids haven’t truly internalized the lessons of their treatment, they will quickly fall back into old habits and patterns, and we will soon see them again. they have various resources to call upon, including their service coordinator (like a case worker), “tracker” (a young adult who mentors them), and even calling back to the facility to talk with staff and other students who know them. the majority are successful and do not re-offend.

i think there are clear parallels with youth ministry.

kids definitely need safety and structure at youth group. at times even physical safety must be consciously protected, but even more, the emotional safety of the group takes work to uphold. we cannot allow careless comments to shut down conversation. “what’s said in small group stays in small group.” (although that almost always leads to some doofus comment about las vegas style partying.) by fostering a climate and culture where you can put aside the fart jokes and giggling about the opposite sex long enough to get below the surface, we can actually see kids forge some critical relationships with each other and with us.

but ultimately, it’s not about being successful at small group. every kid who’s been in church knows that you can answer almost any question with “God/Jesus/church/Bible” and have a good chance of making the leader happy. but those answers cannot sustain a kid “on the outs” unless their walk with God is truly internalized. will they need support to make it in the world outside of church? absolutely. we fail in our role if they can’t count on us when it counts the most.

on the outs can be found at this is not about me

that’s hot can be found at this is not about me

day 1 – monday aug. 2

oh boy – here goes nothing. at least i didn’t get lost, although the gps took me some bizarre way through an unmarked gate. i think i better write down the directions from people who actually work here. i don’t want to get turned around and lost in a state park in the middle of the night.

after signing my life away on a million forms, i got to meet the kids i’ll be working with, and had lunch with them. well, they had their lunch, i ate my sandwich. i will definitely be bringing my own food. i thought regular school lunches were awful. ew. glad i have the choice.

it was a rough first day, though, mostly because of how much my eyes literally ached by the end. i can’t look at that many pages of information in one sitting, much less process even a fraction of it. i guess i’ll learn what’s most important as i go.

day 2 – tuesday aug. 3

rene’s birthday was today. i had a quick lunch with her, but would have loved to spend the evening too. instead, the new reality is her at home alone, me working until midnight, then a 70 minute drive home. i was exhausted, and wish she wouldn’t have woken up when i came stumbling in at 1:30. but she did, so one more birthday kiss, albeit technically the day after.

i got to see what a shift can look like, although i quickly learn that there is no such thing as a “typical” shift. the girls have “group” most evenings, during which they present and discuss pieces of their program. all kids in d.y.s. (division of youth services) complete specific self-evaluation and counseling goals, including analysis of their cycle of behaviors (such as the triggering event, build-up to the destructive choice, and “outs” along the way) and victim empathy, among several others. their “sentences” are indeterminate in length, so they have to make satisfactory progress before they are released. it’s hard work.

there is a whole new vocabulary i’ll have to learn. beyond the expected alphabet soup of acronyms and abbreviations (the first one i picked up was r.d.o. – rotating day off), there are terms the kids and staff use in unique ways. when you agree with something another person says, you say “support!” it’s sort of a secular counterpart to “amen.” several times each day, the kids process the previous block of time (tasks/chores, school day, group meeting, etc.), check in with how they are feeling, and set goals for the upcoming segment of the day. “motivate” is used reflexively – if someone needs to hurry up in the bathroom or doing tasks, you ask them to “motivate.” i hope i can remember not to talk with the lingo outside of work. people will think i’m nuts.

day 3 – wednesday, aug. 4

my. i wish i could have slept past 6 this morning! it’s going to be a looooong day.

this was my first shift working primarily with the boss lady. (just to clarify, i’m not being sexist here – i would have called a male supervisor the “boss man.”) the girls really respect and respond well to her. she calls them by various pet names i could never pull off. i think i can get away with calling them “ladies” collectively. jameela calls them “ladybugs” as a group, and individually may call them “girl” or even “boo.” judging from the way they greet her and share hugs before bed, jameela is certainly the mother figure.

day 4 – thursday, aug. 5

today was my first team meeting. i had no frame of reference to contribute much to discussions of team issues and dynamics. what i really appreciated, though, was that creating the schedule was a very collaborative process. the schedule for august was already set, so we were doing the first three weeks of september. the standard is to have 45 days’ schedule done in advance. i am in quite a few trainings my first several months, so that often dictates what other days i can even work. again, i am hopeful that i can have most sunday mornings and most wednesday evenings off. that may mean being willing to work at some other times i would otherwise prefer not to, including the dreaded “turnaround” (working late one night and then the day shift the following day).

also at the team meeting, it was decided that the girls could come off of “high structure.” due to some dynamics the previous weekend, the girls had lost several privileges as a group. they were quite happy to learn of the restrictions being lifted, but they also got to brainstorm ways to maintain their privileges.

day 5 – friday, aug. 6

it is definitely true that no two shifts are alike in this line of work. the entire atmosphere was so much lighter. the girls were happier, and because they had regained the ability to attend to hygiene beyond the basics, they even looked nicer. this was the first night (of my 5-day career) that they got to listen to music as they waited for sleep. among the relaxing choices was a “church cd” (they have a group of adult volunteers from local churches that does a weekly bible study).

by the way, we are strongly considering relocating (to the north kc or liberty area) when our lease is up, assuming i have reason to believe i’ll stay at this facility for a while. but we cannot justify paying nearly 6 months worth of rent in penalties should we try to break our lease early!

day 6 (or perhaps 8, depending on how you count it) – monday, Aug. 9

my first (half) day of training. all i can say is, it can only get better from here. there were a lot of class clowns in the group (from various facilities besides my own), and at times only a few of us were not snickering over something mentioned in the training materials. communicable diseases, including sexually transmitted diseases, was the topic. ’nuff said.

too many words for one reading, as usual. i hope to find a realistic rhythm of rest, fitness and recreation, time to edit video, and digital engagement (and sabbath) – including regular blogging. my phone can’t be on my person while i work, so checking my various streams of content is pretty much done at 2:30 when i start my drive. that is going to be a good thing, though. i checked too frequently as it was.

dispatches from beyond the comfort zone can be found at this is not about me

this was a weird week. i never know what to expect when i head to youthfront for a week of camp, but this year was unusual. while i have had to leave camp a couple times, including once to deal with a busted phone, i have never left camp overnight during a week i was a cabin leader. but then, deaths in a family don’t often happen at a convenient time.

last friday night, rene’s grandpa passed away at the age of 95 years, 11 months. when he was born, the sinking of the titanic was still fresh news. he lived through both world wars, the great depression, the korean war, the vietnam war, the rise and fall of communism, assassinations and attempts on multiple presidents and public figures, a presidential resignation and an impeachment, and the nonsense of y2k. what impressed me the most about his 95+ years on this globe was that he was a committed follower of Jesus most of his life, and a member of the same country church for 75 years. (average attendance last sunday was 32 – up from 26 last year.) we left camp on tuesday night and drove out to brewster, 35 miles from the colorado border, by way of a quick stop in manhattan to see my sister before she heads to grad school in boston in a few weeks. we also borrowed my mom’s prius – that was pretty cool, especially driving in it past the wind farm west of salina.

when i pulled up to camp, stopping only to heed nature’s call and grab food to eat while driving, the kids were just coming out of their evening gathering and were headed to cabin discussion time. i shared with my group of 6th grade boys the impact the service had on me, and the amazing testimony of a life lived on the foundation of God’s word. in fact, one of the central themes of the week was building a solid foundation for life.

on tuesday, kids read the parable of the wise and foolish builders, then created actual concrete foundation pieces as a cabin (complete with decorations ranging from gravel and shiny stones to coins, plastic flatware, and even gummy bears). on that foundation, kids were also challenged to live out their faith by incarnating the love the good samaritan showed, meeting tangible needs using what you have been given á la “feeding of the five thousand,” and finally to “trade up” – giving up whatever you hold dear for God’s kingdom plan.

i had a great group of boys, and the week went really well, both with and without me. what does that say? i was thrilled that, for the first time in several years, i had no injuries more serious than a banged shin while trying to get to our campfire in the dark. that can partly be attributed, i think, to a much more sensible stance on issues like pranks, bullying, and roughhousing, both on my part and campwide. we also had some really cool discussions, including the notion of the “boy code” under which guys are supposed to act tough and maybe funny, but not vulnerable or compassionate. (i have guest articles forthcoming on a couple youth ministry sites about roughhousing as well as the boy code – i’ll link to them when they publish.)

i think the think that really captures the spirit of the week for me, though, is the return of a worship song i hadn’t sung for quite a few years. “words to build a life on” is some of the most brilliantly written lyrics i have ever heard. i quote a few lines below, but you should see troy hochstetler’s blog, where you can see the full lyrics, listen to the song, and buy it on itunes or get the cd itself.

these are words to build a life on
these are Your words how can they be mine
these are words to build a life on
these are Your words I want them to be mine

blessed are the poor
blessed are the weak
blessed are the ones
who can barely speak

blessed in your hurt
blessed in your pain
blessed when your teardrops
are falling down like rain

—

blessed when you’re heartbroke
blessed when you’re fired
blessed when you’re choked up
blessed when you’re tired

blessed when the plans
that you so carefully laid
end up in the junkyard
with all the trash you made

—

blessed when you’re put down
because of Me you’re dissed
because of Me you’re kicked out
they take you off their list

—

so bring out all the flavor
in the feast of this My world
and light up all the colors
let the banner be unfurled

shout it from the rooftops
let the trumpets ring
sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!

Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life

yes, that actually is only part of the song. i love these lyrics, written by mike crawford at jacob’s well church in kansas city, because they address nearly any difficulty, disappointment, or heartbreak one could experience, and they draw you over and over to the truth that the words of God are the foundation for a life well lived. a life like grandpa troy’s.

i needed this week, and i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i needed to be with rene and her family in their moments of mourning and grief, i needed to see my family if only for a night, and i needed to be with the kids at camp. i have no idea what the rhythm of my life is going to look like for the foreseeable future. my new job will have a huge effect on how i spend my days (and nights). i hate the thought of having to miss meeting with the youth group, but given the bigger picture, i am trusting God’s good plans for me.

words to build a life on can be found at this is not about me

i have a full time job. for most of my marriage to rene, i haven’t been able to say that. but it’s finally true! on august 2, i start in a position as a “youth specialist” at a facility in lawson, mo. it’s a treatment program for delinquent youth committed to the custody of the missouri division of youth services with the department of social services. i will be involved primarily in group therapy and other forms of treatment.

uncropped photo uploaded to flickr 2.10.2007 by thomas hawk

the past few weeks have been a flurry of highs and lows as i have awaited the final offer. i had also interviewed for a similar (or perhaps parallel is a better word) position in olathe, but ultimately it was the program in missouri that looked to be the best fit for me in the long run. let me tell you, the process of making my decision (since i had a fairly good idea i was going to be offered the position for several weeks) was not one i want to repeat any time soon. i have grown, though, and anticipate much more growth as the next few months hit full force.

the missouri program, sometimes called “the missouri model” (this is a  30-minute youtube clip) and even “the missouri miracle,” is a nationally recognized, innovative way to treat delinquent youth. representative from 30 other states have visited the missouri facilities to see how they have achieved such extraordinary success. chris cuomo and a team from good morning america spent a year with nearly unfettered access to the program and its clients (not “inmates”). in short, the predominant model of all juvenile offenders in the entire state being shipped to a huge facility “upstate” where they were treated the same as adult prisoners was replaced with a decentralized system in which kids stay in small cottages, college campuses, or converted schools. the facilities are located near most of the youths’ families, and family is considered a critical part of treatment. there are no bars on the windows. only the most secure facilities have metal detectors or fences. instead of solitary cells, kids sleep in dorm-style bunkrooms adorned with pictures and personal items from home. they wear their own clothes, not prison jumpsuits. instead of guards or corrections officers, the staff are college educated and focus on treatment, not correction (which often means little more than sitting and doing your time). where some states see a recidivism rate of 30% or even 40%, missouri sees fewer than 10% reenter the program as youths once they “graduate.” this also saves the adult corrections system a chunk of money as fewer of these kids offend as adults.

suffice it to say that i couldn’t ask for a better environment to learn from the best and take on some very effective techniques. i even think i might learn a thing or two that could help me as a youth leader. most of our kids will never see the inside of the juvenile justice system, but kids are kids. what works for one group can be tweaked to work for another.

that does, however, bring up a difficult aspect of this transition. because the schedule will mostly have me working nights on whichever weekdays i’m scheduled (a weekday shift will go from 4 to midnight), i will not be able to serve as a small group leader with the same consistency i am used to. i confess it’s been a point of selfish pride for me that when co-leaders have had to miss for work or family commitments, i’ve always been there. now i have to trust that God is big enough to handle my lack of control over my schedule. nevertheless, that issue alone was a pretty big hurdle to get over. it will also be a 75 minute drive. i will often be arriving home after 1 in the morning.

these barriers (in my mind at least) almost caused me to pass on the best opportunity i’ve been given in a long time. i even sought out professional counsel, which this super-independent guy doesn’t do often. i was confronted by what author janet a. beverley calls “the profound question” (supported by but not directly quoting her book creating loving relationships, available via my amazon associate link or by emailing the author). ms. beverley developed this rubric for evaluating tough decisions in which we must figure out “what is God’s will for me in this situation?” with her permission, i share it here:

what is the most difficult action for me me to take right now, something that i absolutely do not want to do, yet it is healthy, respectful of self and other, responsible (for self and to other), and given the bigger picture, the action will cause the least amount of harm to self and other?

it’s as if she had a microphone to my thoughts that night i kept my exhausted bride up until the wee hours, talking, fussing, crying, and flip-flopping so much both our heads spun. the Scriptures are brimming with stories of folks who had to make a really tough decision to obey God even when it may have been the last thing they really wanted to do. our pal jonah is the most famous example of how not to respond when God calls you to obey. as i wrote a couple weeks ago, the path of least resistance is boring. far too long have i lived a life that was comfortable to the point of laziness. it’s time for me to put on my big boy pants and do the hard thing. i trust God to help me grow and thrive where He has called me.

we may move when our lease is up in april. depending on whether the position in lawson looks to be a good fit long-term, we’ve talked about renting (an apartment, townhouse, duplex, maybe even a single-family home) in the north kansas city or liberty area. that would place us within about equal drive time to lawson, rene’s work, and church. we will still attend christ community (sunday service times will depend on my schedule, but i can just make it to the five o’clock service if i work the day shift from 8-4), and we will serve as best we can with the youth. other big, exciting changes will include the ability to make solid progress toward our goals of getting out of debt and working toward the purchase of a home. we would also love to start seriously thinking about a family.

i could be jumping the gun, but it really feels like i’ve grown up a lot the past couple of weeks. i’ve had more ups and downs than an adrenaline junkie on the mamba at worlds of fun, but given “the bigger picture,” i am encouraged by the direction i’m pointed and the progress i will make.

big boy pants (doing hard things) can be found at this is not about me

as oh-so-cleverly alluded to in my title today, i recently watched the documentaries an inconvenient truth and Jesus camp. (those links are amazon associate links, which will make me a very modest commission should you choose to purchase via my link only. your call.) both pieces released in 2006, in the midst of the george w. bush administration (the latter was filmed during the confirmation process of supreme court justice samuel alito). although the heady and dry film by once-the-future-president al gore garnered the oscar, it was the second that has me riveted and deeply in thought today – as well as prayer.

Jesus camp follows three preadolescent children from various parts of missouri, including nearby lee’s summit, who take part in a pentecostal children’s camp run by becky fischer. the film’s distributors claimed it “doesn’t come with any prepackaged point of view” and was intended to be “an honest and impartial depiction of one faction of the evangelical Christian community.” however as with any riveting piece of work, it of course had an agenda, as betrayed even by its emotionally charged title. the primary subjects (fischer and the families of the three children) were supposedly pleased with the way they were portrayed. it was later-disgraced megachurch pastor ted haggard who openly mocked the film crew during live services. he even made light of the apparently sincere desire of one of the kids to become a preacher.

depending on one’s point of view, a small contingent will be inspired as they watch, but many will be disturbed enough to speak out. for very different reasons that most of the strongly opinionated reviews i’ve read (disenchanted former church kids and others turned off by all traditional religious expression), i count myself among the second group. there are several facets to my response.

1. this is indeed a faction that is portrayed. this is not what “most” christians are like, nor most evangelicals or even fundamentalists. i don’t think it would be too strong to call it “fringe” if not “lunatic fringe.” my journey through charismatic circles taught me that, while probably sincere, many such believers far too easily fall to emotional suggestibility. more on that in a bit.
2. religious militarism hinders civil public discourse. the particular circles depicted here are literally stuck in an early-1990s mentality – carman’s “who’s in the house” (older than any of the kids present) is the get-pumped song on the camp’s opening night. moderate-to-liberal radio host mike papantonio, who interviews becky fischer, provides commentary against some of the lightning-rod issues espoused by her side of the aisle, including abortion, creationism, and homosexuality. at one point he admonishes her not to let her faith “bleed over into the public sector,” including schools. somewhere between refusing to let faith and morality into the conversation (papantonio’s view), and the “culture war” mentality that persists even today, lies the ability for persons of varied viewpoints to calmly discuss working together toward human flourishing. can we teach our young people by example in this?
3. kids can be manipulated. this one is heavy on my mind as our middle school kids head to camp next week. it is so easy to get a preteen or young adolescent to pray a prayer, come forward, raise their hands, or perform anything else you want from them. i cannot support adults calling out young children in public, calling them “promise-breakers” and “phonies,” or using false guilt to further one’s agenda, as does fischer more than once. yet,
4. kids will act on sincere convictions. while they have clearly been influenced by their parents, churches, and ministries like this camp, these kids are not robots. i would tweak the content of their message a bit, but i am ashamed at my own lack of boldness and passion for the cause of Christ. these are still kids. one of the girls prays fervently in faith, commanding a bowling ball to strike true, only to throw a gutter ball. yet i absolutely believe that “out of the mouth of babes You have perfected praise” (matthew 21:16). therefore,
5. kids must have the guidance of faithful adults. while i disagree with an awful lot of the tactics used, i defend the right of these families to raise their kids to believe the way they do. some will leave the fold to follow their own way, but these specific kids will most likely continue exactly as they are taught.
6. spoken blessing is critical to becoming a man or woman of God. a visiting preacher, whose messages focused on boosting fervor for the pro-life movement, calls on levi and pours out encouragement to this young man (i’m guessing he was around 10 or 11), telling him how much God thinks of him and the unique plan He has for levi’s life (the “book of levi”). what young person wouldn’t simply beam as levi did to hear specific blessing like that?
7. it’s a mistake to let kids fend for themselves. i’m quite familiar with a mindset that finds “shoving (faith) down kids’ throats” to be extremely distasteful. i came to belief in Christ only a few months before my childhood legally expired. i was raised to be good, ethical, even moral. but as dr. meg meeker’s book boys should be boys (again an amazon associate link) convincingly argues, “giving a boy the security of God, the God that always sees him and always loves him, is the (best) defense parents can offer their child.” nearly all indicators of health play out more favorably when kids are raised knowing how to follow the path of faith.

i will certainly have this provocative film in mind as i head to camp next week, laying life upon life with 16 boys on their way to middle school next month.

have you seen Jesus camp? what are your thoughts?

inconvenient truth about Jesus camp can be found at this is not about me

since publishing the first version of this post in february 2010, i continue to lament the deterioration of my mother tongue into barely-functional grunts and blathering. further, i find myself using the very same words i would condemn others for using. i am, of course, my own worst critic. while i stand 100% by my original lists, i have found it necessary to amend the first list with a fourth word. please read on for the original, with added content.

i have copy-edited quite a bit as the student ministries webmaster, but my true reputation as a  grammar snob stems from constantly trying to correct people around me as they speak… or yelling at the tv, computer, or ipod, “are you listening to yourself?” i do become mildly irritated when people over- or under-use commas, confuse its/it’s or your/you’re, or cannot divide thirty lines into more than one paragraph, but few things push my buttons like the butchery of spoken language. there are certain phrases and terms I propose be banished entirely. my top three for each category…

3 phrases we must ban immediately (with a bonus usage hereby declared anathema):

1. “i know, right?” – also “smooshified” into inorite, txted as ikr, or try its canadian cousin, “i know, eh?” this one seems to be a nagging holdover from valley girl slang, and the film mean girls used it gratuitously. that’s it. i will blame lindsay lohan. ”i know” is a statement of assertion. tacking on “right?” at the end turns it into a plea for approval. either say “i agree,” or “is that so?” (or whatever current version you wish), but don’t water both down by combining them into one meaningless mess.
2. “go ahead and…” - 99.99% of the time, there is absolutely no reason to say this. have we become so hesitant that we must wait for someone to tell us to “go ahead” before we take any action? once on a tech support call with godaddy, the “expert” agent used “go ahead and” before every single step of the process he was talking me through. he must have said it a dozen times in a couple minutes! as much as i love lost, the writers allowed kate to say it in season 5 while she was supposed to be stuck in 1977. i assume many (ab)users of this banality believe it makes them sound smarter or more informed, but i pretty much stop listening to you as soon as you say it.
3. “the thing (problem, reason, question) is, is…” – i’ve even heard our brilliantly articulate current president blunder through this one. multiple times. there are very few instances where a double “is” (or other doubled words) might be correct, but I prefer avoiding this one altogether. my fellow grammar aficionado mignon fogarty, a.k.a. “grammar girl,” podcasted about this some time ago. (to give proper credit, the copy was written by bonnie trenga.) i’ve even heard people utter such drivel as, “the rules of this game are, is” or “the reason being, is” as well as my favorite, “her reaction was, is.” aagh!
4. “(okay,) so” – this one seems to have snowballed. similar to the phenomenon of noticing how many “car twins” you have on the road as soon as you start driving a new one, i hadn’t paid this much attention until i read this new york times post by anand giridharadas. he proposes several reasons for its ascendancy of this “verbal tic” to the supreme sentence opener du jour, but i most resonate with the sense of impatience: “with “so,” we beg to be heard. this, we insist, is what you’ve been wait­ing to hear; this is the “so” moment.” you might not have been talking about anything related to the subject, but when someone says “okay, so” we feel we must instantly join in whatever concern they have at the moment. this one is the hardest for me to avoid. perhaps related, but more likely the equivalent to inserting “um” whenever you can’t think of anything else to say, i have also noticed that many people will tack “so” on to the end of a thought. to make people sound a trifle more articulate, i have always tried diligently to cut it off from the end of video clips. imagine my consternation when i found myself doing it repeatedly when i was the one on camera!

3 words we must never say again:

1. hobo – apparently when students (and adults, i suppose) use this word, they mean “homeless person.” calling someone a “hobo,” however, strips the person of dignity. to be precise, to describe someone as a hobo was to attribute to them a certain migrant lifestyle, usually stowing away on rail cars. it was a contemporary of calling someone with down syndrome a “mongoloid.” needless to say, i have no patience for this word in a context such as a mission trip, but i have to remember to explain calmly why it’s such a nasty thing to say. for some reason, kids never seem to know. (I can happily report that i only heard it once, in passing, on our trip this year.)
2. retard(ed) – i have been blessed to know many people with down syndrome, as well as autism spectrum disorder (which now enfolds asperger’s). kids with special needs, and the adults they grow to be, will add immense joy to your life if you will only open yourself to it.  i confess i often skirt dangerously close to this one by dabbling with its cousins “dumb” and “stupid.” what i really mean is that I heartily disagree with a choice someone has made, and that someone usually is another driver. when i say things like this, the underlying problem is that I feel my rights have been trampled, rights which as a bondservant of Christ i claim to have surrendered. makes you go “hmmm.” (some helpful resources – the r-word, autism speaks)
3. gay – if you are singing a really old song (such as a madrigal which must contain endless choruses of ”tra la la“) or reading classic literature aloud, i’ll let you off. otherwise, if you intend to (respectfully) describe a person or behavior with regard to sexuality, then use an acceptable term. the word “gay” has come to be a catch-all derogatory slur all but devoid of any actual meaning. even in our enlightened and tolerant age, there remains a prevailing attitude that anybody whose lifestyle differs from the majority must be labeled and branded as other, different, inferior. hence the term that went from meaning “happy and carefree” to “homosexual” now can be used to insult everything from a decision made by one’s parents (“what? i can’t go to the party? that’s so gay!”) to inanimate objects like a vending machine (“this thing is gay – it stole my #$*&^ dollar!”). our camp speaker last summer, while well intentioned, chose an unfortunate example to illustrate this phenomenon. our kids remember to this day matt’s story of the “homosexual corn dog,” but have no clue what the message was about. oh my. i don’t know if he thought through that particular illustration.

say what you mean, mean what you say, and think before you speak. it will save you endless humiliation from the likes of grammar snobs like me. you might just end up saying things more like Jesus would. i’m quite sure he wasn’t One to waste or misuse words.

understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (james 1:19, new living translation)

grammar snob (reboot) can be found at this is not about me